#1 Secret to Passion is that PASSION LIES IN POLARITY OF ENERGIES.

If you want passion in your relationship, the key is to rekindle the polarity of your energies. Passion is the space between ‘too far’ and ‘too close’. It’s the void that we are afraid of and attracted to. It’s the time when we feel free and obsessed with someone. It’s the unity and desire to break free. Polarity is the answer to this seemingly paradoxical concept.

The reality is that very few therapists share this with their clients, many have similar issues themselves in this area or find it complicated to explain. I think this is one of the most important unspoken secrets out there, in the realm of long-term passionate relationships.

Let’s take a simple example of a masculine man and a feminine woman: what generally happens in relationships, especially at the beginning, is when a masculine man pursues a feminine woman. In the majority of cases, during the courting stage partners stay in their own core energy, i.e. a man in his masculinity (determined, focused, decision-making, competitive, achieving, strong, stable, visible, supportive, protective, prominent, confident, courageous), and a woman in her femininity (flowing, spontaneous, loving, caring, light, changing, creative, integrating, connecting, smiling, welcoming). After a courting stage, she agrees to be his spouse, and they start having a relationship and live together. But then the situation changes, especially after having kids or building their careers and at some point, when relationships don’t work, they decide to either split or see a marital counsellor.

According to statistics, in many Western countries, the divorce rate already sits at above 50%, like the USA (53%), France (55%), Spain (61%) whilst divorce in Belgium is at a staggering 70%![i]

Most issues that lead to break-ups are connected to lack of passion. So how can we create passion and love long-term?

Let’s look at the polarity closer.

POLARITY TRAINING.

Polarity Training is all about finding the route to your core energy and exercising it. Experimenting with it.

To find which is your core energy, ask yourself these 6 questions and jot down your answers:

1. Do I like to A)compete or B) connect
2. Do I prefer to A) dominate or B) support
3. Do I like to A) focus on structure or B) be in a flow
4. Do I like to A) make decisions or B) follow decisions
5. Do I enjoy A) taking or B) being taken away
6. In sex, do you like to A) penetrate or B) being penetrated

Based on my observations of working with couples, if your answer is ‘a.’ in more than 3 out of 6 questions, your core energy is masculine. If your answer is ‘b.’ in more than 3 out of 6 questions than your core energy is feminine.

If your core is feminine and you find yourself behaving in a masculine way, and having issues in relationships with men, it’s just a matter of balancing your energy and getting to your core again. The same applies to a masculine man, behaving in a feminine way, trying to ‘please’ his spouse.

Most women who work in competitive environments, in men-dominated industries, are prone to behave in a masculine manner. When learning the skill of competition, domination and structure so well, then they take this skill to their home and unfortunately at times, to their bedroom.

To differentiate between work and home, I suggest having a ritual which would symbolise the change of energy.

For example, change of clothes or change of hairstyle or change of voice. Anything that would make a clear distinction between work and home. From a masculine behaviour at work, a woman needs to transform into a feminine woman, at home. This is an important recipe for relationship success.

Take a moment to think about what you can do today to change the way you approach the distinction between work and home (e.g. to become more feminine, change to a dress or skirt). Even if you work from home (e.g. choose space for specific activities). What boundaries can you establish (e.g. time of the day to talk only about specific topics), to help yourself to switch ‘hats’?

What ritual can you create to set yourself into your core energy every day?

What additional resources you might need to establish the above ritual?

Now, let’s look deeper at what you can do to reclaim your core energy, be it either feminine or masculine.

FEMININE ENERGY.

‘Feminine energy is radiant, spontaneous, caring, nurturing, loving, tender, encompassing, floating, light, warm, cherishing, creative, forgiving, graceful, kind, modest, peaceful, harmonious, serene, balanced, understanding, uniting, wise, open, innocent, helpful, gentle, discrete, beautiful, accepting, surrendering, receptive, emotional, sensual, patient, responding, sweet, approachable, generous, vulnerable, soft, humble and compassionate.

Feminine energy can be re-ignited by any of the following:

1. Move in a flow

Feminine energy IS the flow. It’s constantly moving and changing. Put on nice relaxing music, close your eyes and dance. That’s the best for feeling your feminine side. In that concept, all the water elements like rivers, ocean, storms, waterfalls, are feminine in nature. Spending time in or next to them helps to feel more feminine.

2. Nurture yourself

Pamper yourself by having a massage done, get a facial, go bra-shopping, get some ice-creams and presents for your girlfriends, get in nature to smell and touch textures and plants. Take a nice relaxing bath. Be with animals and spend time hugging, laughing, enjoying a moment for you.

3. Take your trousers off

Female energy in clothes is about fabrics that flow and drape: dresses and skirts. Trousers are masculine and despite being cool and fashionable, they are still too masculine. Putting on a dress and heels is much more feminine than shorts or trousers. Just feel the difference when you experiment.

4. Spend time with women

Giggle, support each other, care, connect. These are all good activities to release extra stress and explore the feminine side of a woman. Empathy, compassion and lightness of a conversation.

5. Receive more

Female energy is about receiving. It’s a humble grateful flow of openness. Allow yourself to be given.

6. Have more orgasms

While men get depleted by ejaculating frequently, women benefit more from having frequent orgasms.[ii]

7. Indulge your senses

Experience with your whole body. It’s your temple. Have amazing nurturing oils at hand before you go to bed. Try new food that is exotic and different.

8. Be more grateful and humble

Remember what an amazing being you are. Feel how special, how unique your essence is. Feel your core that is so deep, mysterious, loving and humble. Thank your female ancestors for allowing you to be here. Without them, you wouldn’t have been born.

9. Create more

Feminine energy is pure creativity. Draw, dance, sing, create poems, make things, make beautiful clothes, meals, décor. Experiment and try new things. Let go of expectations and just see beauty in whatever you do.

10. Welcome more spontaneity

Welcome days where you don’t plan anything. Come up with a new activity you could do. Go to a place you haven’t been. Arrange a blind date with your partner. Wear something unusual.

If you want to dive deeper into the power of femininity, learn more about your feminine essence through your cultural dances. When was the last time you danced?

Let’s now look into how to reignite the masculine energy.

 

MASCULINE ENERGY.

‘Masculine energy is strong, competitive, free, logical, confident, aware, directed, focused, integrated, stable, passionate, independent, disciplined, determined, bold, active, powerful, solid, purposeful, rational, orderly, concentrated, targeted, honorable, secure, energetic, intense, dominating, self-reliant, sufficient, able, willful, controlling, certain, poise, assuring, protecting, centered, attentive, vigorous, vital, tough and resilient.

Masculine energy can be reignited by any of the following:

1. Find a compelling challenge

Challenges are the ‘bread and butter’ of masculine energy. It can be a work challenge or a personal relationship challenge. An important component of a challenge is that it needs to be measurable.

2. Exercise physically

Ability to sustain, push the boundaries, develop stamina, be consistent and compete is all beneficial for masculinity. Physical exercises are great to feel more masculine.

3. Compete in sport

Men used to fight and hunt. These two actions are not anymore welcome in western cultures. So, I suggest men compete in the sport. It can be martial arts, skiing, or mountain biking. Masculine energy loves competition. That’s when a hormone called ‘testosterone’ is produced.

4. Have less sex

This is counter-intuitive but for men to feel more masculine, they need to ejaculate less often. When there is a build-up of sperm, they will feel more ready to ‘chase’ their lady and hence, will feel the urge to dominate. [iii]

5. Sleep better

More testosterone is produced when a man has high-quality sleep[iv]. Have you noticed, when a new baby is born who doesn’t sleep through the night, a man not only feels tired but also lacks libido? And it’s not about the quantity of sleep but the quality rather. Switching off gadgets at least one hour before going to bed, is an important factor in the quality of sleep, because of the gadgets’ light that affects the brain.

6. Find more peace and stillness

Albeit the feminine energy being in the flow or movement, the masculine energy builds up in stillness. That’s why men prefer to sit and watch TV or browse on a computer and sit still for a long time. Ladies do not understand the benefit of this ‘lack of activity’. But what happens in those moments, men actually accumulate their strength and the build-up of their masculine energy.

7. Spend some time away from feminine.

It can be on your own or with other masculine men. It’s a healthy way to stop being influenced by the feminine energy and constant interaction, masculine energy multiplies in the company of other masculine energy. They inspire each other, they trigger each other. Allowing for these moments on a regular basis is an important component for feeling more masculine.

Now that we have investigated what your core energy is and how to be in your core energy, let’s look into how to integrate the two and learn some tricks of communication and interaction between these two energies.

POLARITY GUIDE.

‘Tell me who you love and I will tell you who you are and, more especially, who you want to be’ – Psychoanalyst Theodor Reik believed that men and women choose partners who satisfy an important need, including the qualities they themselves lack.

Desire is driven by a spark and polarity of energies. Have you noticed, when you pass by the opposite strong energy, you get instantly attracted? That is the power of polarity.

But with desire comes the challenges of communication and interaction.

What are the healthy ways to interact with each other?

Let’s first look into the Feminine and Masculine Icebergs, to understand what’s behind visible stances and how to best interact with each other. On the surface, we see actions, our behaviour. Feminine behaviour looks soft, light-hearted and spontaneous, whereas masculine behavior looks powerful, focused, planned and determined.

FEMININE ENERGY is based on enchantment, opening the heart and magnifying radiance and beauty.

MASCULINE ENERGY is based on the task and solution, wanting to possess and exercise power and control.

Although reactive feelings may seem similar, there are different expectations and values at the bottom of the icebergs.

Feminine energy expects to be protected, be taken, to surrender. It is driven by harmony and love.

Masculine energy expects to protect, to take, to dominate. It is driven by excellence and significance.

Feminine energy longs to be loved, seen, connected, accepted, to belong, whereas masculine energy yearns to be respected, to be followed and to own. Feel the difference in these two icebergs and notice, how you can change your communication to your partner, to respect the polarity of your energies. Jot this down:

Instead of focusing on each other’s behaviour and actions, which words are said or events, on the surface, engage in a discussion about each other’s yearnings. What need can you help your partner satisfy?

You will learn more about the needs and communication later in the book, but thinking about it, already increases the chances of establishing a healthy polarity between the two of you.

References:

[i] http://www.therichest.com/rich-list/world/worlds-10-most-divorced-nations/2/

[ii] Warner, Pamela & John Bancroft. (1988). “Mood, Sexuality, Oral Contraceptives and the Menstrual Cycle.” Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 32(4/5), 417–27

[iii] Andersena, M., Tathiana F. Alvarengaa, et al (2011) The Association of Testosterone, Sleep, and Sexual Function in Men and Women, retrieved on 20th Jan 2017 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21890115 

[iv] Barrett- Connor, E., Dam, T.T., Stone, K. et al (2008) The Association of Testosterone Levels with Overall Sleep Quality, Sleep Architecture, and Sleep-Disordered Breathing. Retrieved on 25th Jan 2017 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2453053/