June 11 2018. We decided to send our kids to Siberia for 2 months to my parents, and set off on a journey towards Ithaka, the island in the Ionian sea, following a track of the legendary story of Odyssey. August 4, I flew to Siberia to pick up our two sons who joined us in Corfu for another month on a boat. September 6th we returned safely to the UK.
Here is an abstract from my diary:
Lessons for the Ego: 15 Insights from living on a boat for 2 months
This summer has been something special and not what I expected. It was insightful and full of extraordinary memories. Let’s unpack some of them.
The thought of living onboard a boat for 8 weeks was not that appealing to me. I come from Siberia, so I’m not used to the sea. Last year, for the first time in my life, I spent time on a boat but with breaks – we cruised the islands but stayed with friends and occasionally rented accommodation. This year, it was going to be very different – no sleeping on land for 2 months, cruising a lot in between while visiting the beautiful Ionian islands. The idea of living ‘on top of each other’ as a whole family of four (plus occasional relatives and friends) in a confined space was not that appealing to me BUT travelling to 20+ islands in the Ionian sea was. So we made a decision to go for it.
In short, it was a great experience to calm down my ego and to connect with my real Self and my family. I think it was a boot camp for mindfulness and meditation training.
When I was growing up, my parents, my grandmother and I we all lived together in a 1.5 bedroom apartment, for more than a decade. I had a bedroom with a window, my parents had a semi-bedroom with no windows and my grandmother slept on a sofa in a sitting room. That was ‘normal’ for me and for many families living in Russia in during the 80s.
Fast forward to summer 2018, we are on a luxury boat, in the middle of the Ionian sea travelling from island to island and swimming every day. Life couldn’t not be better, but… the same things came up as it was in my childhood: how to live all together in a confined space without conflicts? How to create an enriching environment in times of uncertainties & stress and how to communicate with each other effectively?
I researched this topic after finding similarities with my life back in the 80s. The research shows that living in confined spaces puts additional stress on the household and tests the relationships even further linking it to social withdrawal, aggression and lack of concentration.
Here are my 15 insights from living in a confined space. that I believe are important for relationships and family life.
1. Respect. Living together in a confined space is all about learning how to respect individual differences and quirky parts. Accepting, embracing, being open to change and empathy, exercising resilience are great tools in life especially if you have little space to manoeuvre.
2. We need much fewer things than we think we need. Minimal living in confined space forces you to make choices, as it’s not possible to fit everything you want to have. So, you become much more selective – I never thought I could live two full months with only clothes and shoes that fit in a mid-size suitcase. And I honestly did not feel I was missing something. It’s a great opportunity tool for decluttering your space and your mind, and research shows that it’s one of the main practices to experience joy in life and clarity of focus. Now that we are back, I have started clearing out a lot of stuff from our wardrobes and closets.
3. Being present and mindful. It’s much easier to be “at the moment” when you are 24/7 surrounded by people who interact with you, plus you need to make sure that everyone is safe (and still on board 😊). It is a fantastic practice of mindfulness living with somebody and aiming to be present every hour and every minute of your day irrespectively what’s happening around you. In confined spaces, you hear and see a lot more than usual. Learning how to be at peace with that is a good training.
4. Enjoy the ride even if it’s not how you planned it. Planning the perfect conditions is impossible while cruising as you are dependent on the weather. So we made plans but were ready to change them, and still, enjoy the ride! Nature brings surprises, and our lives bring surprises too. We can be frustrated that things did not go to plan, or enjoy the ride and learn from them. We discovered some of the best places, off the beaten track as we followed the weather.
5. Explore even when you’re scared. Some of the most beautiful places we’ve visited were hidden or off the beaten track, without any sign of civilisation or any other boats around, occasionally with rough seas. I felt at times scared and questioning how I got to agree to this holiday. But, If we had stopped or just followed what others advised us to do, and stayed in known anchorages and marinas, we would never have seen nor experienced the places few had visited. Incredible dream-like beaches, with crystal clear blue-green waters, were hidden, far from any civilisation, and required extra effort to access. But getting there was so much worth it. Some of our biggest dreams are sitting there, behind our fears, waiting for us to step forward (in boating and in life in general).
You will learn a lot from how a person interacts with you and other people just being with them 24/7. It will trigger all sorts of weird and wonderful reactions, and bring new aspects you really want to know if you are considering being with that person in a relationship. Some say, staying on a boat will make you bond or will make you split. It’s amazing what comes up while living in a confined space without other distractions for a long time.
I got to know myself from a different angle and was surprised at times to find out traits and parts of me I didn’t expect to feel being ‘in paradise’, like frustration, jealousy and sadness. I had to work on myself a bit harder and it helped me understand myself better. I got it whey monks would choose to live in a confined space for the acceleration of their spiritual journey. It’s bloody hard to live on top of one another!8. Know where you are going long-term. If you don’t know where you are going, it doesn’t matter which way you go. But if you want to get to somewhere, remember that destination and aim towards it. The rest will happen the way it will. Yes, the weather and other factors will take you to different places along the way, and you won’t reach there the way you expected. But if you know where you are going long-term, chances are that you will get there in the end. This principle is applied to aeroplanes, boats and life in general. We cannot predict small or even midpoints because of the weather conditions (of life conditions!) but we can definitely know where we want to go and get there on time!
9. Clean after yourself and others. Forget ‘it’s mine vs it’s yours’. It’s all ours and it’s important to share the load. Tidying up every time we ate or played, or swam, or anything… was essential to keep the boat clean and also free from birds, wasps and other insects. A lot of the time we were looking after space we were in, including occasionally cleaning the sea from plastic bags and bottles. Luckily there was not a lot of that around but it did feel like a lot of cleaning. Interestingly, once a habit, it became automatic.
10. Take your journey step by step. Sometimes it’s tempting to go fast if you have the tools for it. But hey, why not enjoy every turn of your ride? It’s much nicer to explore step by step than searching for some popular destinations explored by others. Each of our journeys is unique and as we take the next step, more opportunities will open. That’s how we found one of the best spots of the journey, the northern island of Greece. My luggage from Russia was delayed and we stayed in Corfu longer than we thought. We were supposed to go South but as we were waiting, we decided to go a bit further and that brought a whole new experience of finding a coral reef, amazing caves and some of the best watercolours we have seen in Greece.11. Have a plan B and plan C. Similar to life, boat life takes a lot of patience and planning. Most of the time plan A doesn’t work for some reasons (the weather or something doesn’t work, plans change because of other people’s travels, etc). How do we react is what we can control. That’s why instead of feeling upset (first stage of the change process), I try to get to the acceptance stage and find another solution from the toolbox that we had already planned.12. Prepare a support network beforehand. In case (and mostly it happens) that you will need help, who will you contact? I have a list of people I rely on and call when I need help. And it’s not my husband! Our partners are generally overloaded with stress themselves and have a built-in emotional storage so cannot help us emotionally the way we need help. Why don’t we all have a coach or a friend we can call in case of emotional emergency? Similar in life, who do you have to call when you need help? Have you found a trusted coach to help you?
13. Follow the flow. It’s much easier to follow the wave than go against it. A lot of the time in life and on the boat, we get stuck with what we want and forget to be flexible. Just let go of the past limiting beliefs. Start focusing on what’s important now, at the moment. You will be surprised how little we need to be happy and fulfilled. Most of our worries and concerns are our illusion and total construct of our own mind.
14. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. It all can be done with effective communication. Learn effective communication tools. Find a way to communicate your needs before you become tired or overwhelmed. Communicate about communication and how you are going to help others understand you and what you want to say. Express your feelings rather than blame others for not understanding you. The understanding happens in the mind of a perceiver, hence, it’s your task to make them understand you.
15. Don’t take things personally. When docking or embarking, emotions can build up from stress. It’s a no-offence or taking-things-personally time. Same in life. When going through change, remember that people don’t want to hurt you but rather they want to release stress and feel happy again. Focus on them rather than you and you will feel better.