Why do people cheat in a committed relationship? Especially if they want to get into that relationship so much and love one another until ‘death do us part’?

Below are three typical reasons why that happens.

1. Unmet Individual Needs.

If one’s needs (for sexual fulfilment, for emotional intimacy, for recognition, for feeling desirable, for variety, for validation, for power, for play, for comfort) are not being met consistently, a person’s behaviour is often directed to meet them elsewhere. It’s often an easy route and in the current climate of ‘illusionary freedom’, an abundance of choice and access to new partners through apps and matching sites, there is a temptation to find a ‘better match’. Feeling unfulfilled, people might look for that ‘saviour’ who can rescue them or satisfy or make them whole, only to find there is another disappointment and the search continues.

Example: Loneliness. Often, a person with a partner who is busy working under demanding commitments finds themselves spending time on their own unbearably lonely and hence searches for a companionship elsewhere. Loneliness, in this case, is part of existential issues that leads to a romantic search for a missing presence and time together.

2. Fear of Closeness or Commitment.

Some people dread being committed to one partner as they may feel it evokes uncomfortable feelings from an insecure or dismissive attachment that they had as a child. A fear of abandonment or loss of freedom resulted from ‘avoidant’, ‘disorganised’ or ‘ambivalent’ attachment styles, may lead to a fear of being intimate or loyal to one partner.

Example: Ambivalent attachment where parental behaviour was inconsistent; sometimes sensitive, sometimes neglectful. People with ambivalent attachment often struggle to commit to a relationship with one person as they cannot rely on their needs to be met. 

3. Family Patterns.

If we look closer to a family where the person comes from, there is generally a hidden and often unconscious loyalty to one or more members of the family who had a similar pattern. It can be manifested in case of a rejection or a secret that was held by that member or where a family did not accept that behaviour or in case of severe lack of communication.

Example: Grandfather’s love affair. A grandson has a love affair with a person on a business trip, similar to his grandfather, who had passed away, and his family had rejected that incident without recognising there was a need for love and connection that was missing between grandparents. For a grandson to recognise that and become aware that it’s not individual or personal, is a big step forward. The next step could be to do a family constellation or a reconstruction process where that pattern can be transformed into a more helpful one and reconcile this piece with his family and partner.