All is good when it starts good but what if both people decide their relationship struggles are irreconcilable and they neither want to invest nor work on their relationship? What if they decide to separate?

How can they make this process of separation smoother especially when children are involved?

Before any decision to talk to a separation or divorce lawyer, I would highly recommend you consult with a family therapist, counsellor or psychologist. In 60% of cases, the problems can be reconciled with the right approach. Once you go towards a divorce door, the system may pull you in for financial benefits and you would not be able to step out for a chance to amend the broken glass.

Remember that some of the most beautiful mosaics are made from broken glass and that can be done with a professional who has an excellent track record.

THINGS TO CONSIDER

First of all, don’t make decisions based on children. Your children would bear the guilt and shame if a divorce or separation is to ‘help’ them. Also, don’t stay with your partner ‘because’ of children. Look at your union from your and your partner’s perspective. It’s an adult decision about the adult relationship. Sometimes it’s hard to face tough reality but that’s the first thing to do if you want to amend it.  

Then, start with the basics. If you are happy, your children will be happy too. Ask yourself: what makes you happy? What can you do to help yourself be happy? There are 100s of ways to make you happy and if you consider them first, you wouldn’t need to burden the marriage nor your partner to help you sort them out. Source elsewhere.

These days we require too much from our partner: we want them to be our friend who helps in case we need something, a lover who is passionate all the time, a financial security bank who helps us protect and expand our investments, our father and mother to love us unconditionally, a parent to our children and a spiritual guru to help us grow and develop. How is it possible?

It is not.

An intimate partner is for intimacy. Other roles we can find to be filled by other people if needed. The problem with our current society is disjointed family systems. It used to be a village to raise a person. Now, not only don’t we live in villages, we sometimes live very far from any of our family members. That can create a feeling of loneliness, abandonment and lack of care. Unconsciously we strive to satisfy our needs with our very own partner.

But that is wrong.

Find ways to make yourself happy irrespectively who you are with. Working with multiple-divorcees I can tell you it doesn’t get better when we change partners. It actually gets tougher as in many cases the common denominator of problems is YOU.

Did you know that the past statistics have shown that in the U.S. 50% per cent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce? So if you consider a first or second one, just have a healthy sense of doubt.

If after working with a professional you are clear about separation, here are some of the steps to consider:

1. Use the following 6-step ENRICH exercise to communicate with your partner and children.

• Start with Exploring what your partner is longing for. Be a human detective and understand why things are the way they are.
• Nourish by finding words of appreciation and be as genuine as you can be. It may be hard to find positive words especially during the divorce process but that’s the most important part to find peace and balance. Otherwise, children would suffer from the bitterness of the process taking the blame on themselves.
• Respond by sharing information that your partner doesn’t yet know. It can be related to kids or yourself but don’t make it judgemental nor critical, as neutral or even positive as you can make it.
• Imagine there was a puzzle. Ask your partner something you don’t understand. For example, if they did something that was surprising, ask why. Again, restrain from judgements or criticism.
• Communicate your needs and the needs of children. Decide on how to best approach them in relation to the process.
• Hug kids as much as you can and allow your partner to hug them too. It will create much more trustworthiness and connection that will be the love elixir for all of you. Use Humour if you can by overexaggerating the reality and breaking awkward critical moments with your partner. Even if you are not the best partner to your ex, it doesn’t mean you can’t laugh with them and stay good friends.

2. Never prevent kids from seeing your partner, nor ‘use’ kids to negotiate the divorce. Keep them away from any negotiation ‘games’.

3. Consider what is best for everybody. Although you may feel hurt, it’s a strategic decision-making and you will be reminded of your ex through your children on a daily basis. How can we you make this union amicable and constructive?

4. Don’t source your energy from children. In times of separation or divorce, it’s tempting to rely on your children for comfort, love and acceptance. Find alternative ways to nurture and nourish yourself. Find a coach or a psychologist to work with. Connect with friends who you can trust and ask for help, connect with your family for support, etc.

5. Remember that children are not our friends. For a successful separation treat an intergenerational boundary between what’s happening in the adult world and children’s one. Don’t confide in your kids, they are too young and innocent to receive your emotional burdens. 

Share the above with your friends and family who need to hear this. If they are going through a tough change, there is always a way to enrich relationships and feel better. Help is just one phone call away.