I first went to school when I was 7 years old. The most time before that I had played. I was not required to read nor write. After finishing school and graduating from a couple of universities, I have worked with people from all around the world, helping adults and children to find a solution to our global epidemic: low self-esteem. ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’m not worthy’, ‘I’m not …enough.’
When we moved with kids from Switzerland to the UK, and they went to nursery and pre-school in Nottingham, I realised that at school they were teaching children to read at the age of 4yo. At first, I was impressed. But then, I started looking into this system more closely, to realise that the pressure of homework was building up leaving almost no space to play. The pressure to perform and be ‘good students’ and ‘good parents’ was at time overwhelming.
Today I would like to share 7 ENRICH habits to calm and happy children inspired by the booked called ‘The Danish Way of Parenting’ by Jessica Joelle Alexander. All of them are scientifically grounded (you can check references throughout the text) to help children and ourselves raise self-esteem.
1. EXPLORE: PLAY MORE.
The latest Cambridge Uni research on children early stage development provides a strong emphasis on the play until children are 8 years old. [i]
Supported by the Lego Foundation, research proves what the Danes have been doing for decades by creating a society of happy people on our planet: Play.[ii]
We all need to have playmates. Even rhesus monkeys and domestic rats deprived of playmates show excessive fear or inappropriate aggression. [iii] Research shows that animals play in order to deal with the unexpected. [iv]
Based on psychological research, the level of playfulness in pre-schoolers directly correlated with coping. [v] Adolescents cope better when they play.[vi]
Unstructured play is much healthier than electronic media. Children learn to think creatively, problem solve, and develop reasoning and motor skills at early ages through unstructured, unplugged play. [vii]
2. NOURISH: BE AUTHENTIC
It’s ok not to be happy all the time and have a real ending of a story rather than expecting a happy end. Sad movies actually make you happy, according to one study. [viii] Sharing your authentic feelings and talking about them, helps children develop their emotional intelligence.
3. RESPOND: PRAISE FOR GROWTH
Instead of praising your kids for character or being ‘a good boy’, you can say that you really appreciate how hard they worked. Promoting a growth mindset rather than a fixed one is a much better strategy long-term. Studies on fifth-graders looked at praise for intelligence and how it creates a fixed mindset. [ix]
4. IMAGINE: REFRAME FOR POSITIVE
A number of studies show that when we reframe a negative event and learnt from it, we can feel better about it. It literally decreases activity in the amygdala and the insula, areas of the brain that are involved in the processing of negative emotions, and increases activity in the area of the brain involved in cognitive control and adaptive integrations. [x]
5. COMMUNICATE: USE EMPATHY
Use our biggest gift – empathy. The evidence shows that children are born with the ability to tune in to the mother’s emotions and moods, and doing so later on with other people. We all have an ability to sense, empathize and understand another’s feelings. [xi]
Empathetic children are shown to be more successful because they are more purpose-driven than their more narcissistic counterparts. [xii]
6. HUG & HUMOUR: LET THEM BE
If you worry about something, find a way to sort it out without overprotecting your child. Use humour and lots of hugs instead.
Children from overprotective families grow up more prone to narcissism, anxiety, and depression. [xiii] Trust and honesty are two great ways to move forward and let children be who they are. They will find a way when there is trust, respect and connection with the family.
7. NO ULTIMATUMS and NO SPANKING
An analysis covering two decade’s worth of research on the long-term effects of physical punishment on children concluded that spanking not only doesn’t work, but it can actually wreak havoc on kids’ long-term development. [xiv]
There is neuroimaging evidence that physical punishment may alter parts of the brain involved in performance on IQ tests. [xv]
Ultimatums may have a trick in a short run, but they tend to produce a lot of side effects and don’t work in a long-run. It’s better to concentrate on a calm and open style of sharing why you think they should change and create consequences that are clear rather than emotional ultimatums.
If you want to read more on this topic:
https://daryahaitoglou.com/7-insights-of-remarkable-parenthood/
5 tips to make your kids confident and resilient video I made:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dwtT3A_otM
BBC world news interview with Jessica Joelle Alexander, the author of the Danish Way of Parenting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBS4TRbd0ps
REFERENCES:
[i] https://www.theguardian.com/education/2016/mar/15/children-learn-play-age-eight-lego
[ii] https://www.cbsnews.com/news/welcome-to-the-happiest-country-on-earth/
[iii] Peter LaFrenier, “Evolutionary Functions of Social Play: Life Histories, Sex Differences, and Emotion Regulation,” American Journal of Play 3, No. 4 (2011): 464-88; S.M. Pellis, V.S. Pellis, and H.C. Bell, “The Function of Play in the Development of the Social Brain, “ American Journal of Play 2, no. 3 (2010): 278-96.
[iv] Marek Spinka, Ruth C. Newberry, and Marc Bekoff, “Mammalian Play: Training for the Unexpected,” – Quarterly Review of Biology 76, no. 2 (2001): 141-68.
[v] Sounders, M. Sayer, and A. Goodale, “The Relationship Between Playfulness and Coping Skills in Preschool Children: A Pilot Study,” American Journal of Occupational Therapy 53, no.2 (1999):221-6
[vi] L.M. Hess and A.C. Bundy, “The Association Between Playfulness and Coping in Adolescents,” Physical and Occupational Therapy in Pediatrics 23, no.2 (2003): 5-17.
[vii] http://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/Pages/Babies-and-Toddlers-Should-Learn-from-Play-Not-Screens.aspx
[viii] S. Knobloch-Westerwick, Y. Gong, H. Hagner, and L. Kerbeykian, “Tragedy Viewers Count Their Blessings: Feeling Low on Fiction Leads to Feeling High on Life.” Communication Research 40, no. 6 (2013): 747-66
[ix] C.M. Mueller and C.S. Dweck, “Intelligence Praise Can Undermine Motivation and Performance.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 75, No. 1 (1998):33-52.
[x] A.T. Beck and G. Emery, Anxiety Disorders and Phobias: A Cognitive Perspective (New York: Basic Books, 1985).
Angry faces. G. Sheppes, S. Scheibe, G. Suri, P. Radu, J. Blechert, and J.J. Gross, “Emotion Regulation Choice: A Conceptual Framework and Supporting Evidence, “ Journal of Experimental Psychology 143, no. 1 (2014): 163-81.
[xi] www.family-lab.com/about/jesper-juul-articles/item/empati-3
[xii] Ugo Uche, “Are Empathetic Teenagers More Likely to Be Intentionally Successful?” Psychology Today, May 3, 2010, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/promoting-empathy-your-teen/201005/are-empathetic-teenagers-more-likely-be-intentionally
[xiii] Rachel Sullivan, “Helicopter Parenting Causes Anxious Kids, “ ABC Science, August 20, 2012, http://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2012/08/20/3570084.htm
[xiv] Harriet L. MacMillan, Michael H. Boyle, Maria Y.-Y. Wong, Eric K. Duku, Jan E. Fleming, and Christine A. Walsh, “Slapping and Spanking in Childhood and Its Association and Lifetime Prevalence of Psychiatric Disorders in a General Population Sample, “ Canadian Medical Association Journal 161, no. 7 (1999).
[xv] A. Tomoda, H. Suzuki, K. Rabi, Y.S. Sheu, A. Polcari, and M. H. Teicher, “Reduced Prefrontal Cortical Gray Matter Volume in Young Adults Exposed to Harsh Corporal Punishment, “ Nero-Image 47, suppl. 2 (2009): T66-71.