There are amazing parenting books and there are awful ones. But even amazing books can’t beat the experience of working with families.

There are some parents know instinctively know how to create a nurturing atmosphere for children to grow to become emotionally stable and happy.  But what are their secrets?

I have had the pleasure to work with some incredible people and I feel so grateful for their trust and honesty.

In this blog, I would like to share with you my 7 top insights from working with remarkable parents.

1. Actions are more important than words. Parents who ‘walk the talk’ are the best ‘cure’ for kids who behave badly.

Parental models are the most important for children’s development. Until the age of 21, our executive function (pre-frontal cortex) is not fully developed and hence, children need help to exercise emotional stability and control. How do they cope? The simple answer is that they don’t. They get help… from parents. Parents help children control their emotions. That’s why some children live with their parents until very late in their life. Indeed, it is quite beneficial and soothing for their emotion-management function.

Bad news, if parents cannot control their own emotions, children don’t have effective models for their future. In fact, they will need to work harder later in life to be successful in social settings and their intimate relationships.

But the good news is that it’s all mendable. Parents just need to educate themselves and learn how to control their emotions.

2.  Communication heart-to-heart, not head-to-head. Parents who talk ‘heart-to-heart’ have calmer children and better relationships.

In most families, parenting is considered well done when children are well-behaved and disciplined. But research shows that this creates inner conflicts and ‘framed’ mentality, with hidden anger and frustration. Instead of saying ‘Be quiet’, ‘You should do that‘ or ‘Listen to what I say’, ‘You need to do it’, ‘Do that’, remarkable parents say ‘I feel hurt when people don’t listen to me‘, ‘I want to be respected like I respect other people‘, ‘I feel wonderful when we work together calmly‘, ‘I am so happy you are born in our family‘, ‘Thank you for helping me clean the room‘, ‘I wish you could do this one day without me asking you, so I feel you care‘… This way they share their feelings and heartfelt emotions with children and teach them the art of ‘heart-talk’, rather than ‘blame-talk’.

3. Bring more fun & play into life. Parents who enjoy the play time with their children, have more happy moments themselves.

When we play, we turn on a happy hormone of oxytocin inside us. That makes us trust one-another and embrace the challenges of life. We are much more adept to go through tough patches of our stressful week when we have a full on touchy-feely fun weekend with our beloved ones.

Fun & play means to leave kids to be in their own space. Not to drag them to an exhibition or concert that you may like, but to let them be and join their space if they want you to. Play on ‘their terms’. Ask them what happy moments they want to have and what they would like to do. Remember yourself as a child and bring that lightheartedness and freedom with you.

4. Remarkable parents are incredible individuals first. Defining themselves as other than being parents, makes them even more amazing parents.

Once a person becomes a parent, life seems to turn upside down and parenthood becomes the prime identity in life for most people. Remarkable parents don’t follow this pattern. They keep their identity outside of parenthood and enjoy time on their own, with their partner and then with their children.

Children who see a healthy relationship model of their parental relationship, receive a true and the best gift for life.

5. Having healthy boundaries. Successful and happy relationships are structured on healthy boundaries.

Children need to know boundaries to feel safe. When rules are not consistent, when there are unspoken secrets and mixed messages, children ‘misbehave’ to find the boundaries to feel safe. Unfortunately, most families have no boundaries or make them unclear. This happens unconsciously. These are probably the residues of the families where they come from. But the reality is: children need clear boundaries. They want you to show what is allowed and what’s not. In a respectful and consistent way.

Sometimes, it’s ok to let children be unhappy. Boundaries are a long-term investment in a happy family life. Grumpy and needy behaviour can show that children are not happy at a particular moment, but remarkable parents see that behaviour and keep their boundaries intact.

6. Appreciate communication style differences. Parents that educate themselves, learn and become curious about the differences in communication styles, have better chances for a wonderful time together with their family members.

How many of us know that kids already have some predispositions based on their hormonal circuits even when they are little? And they can be very different from ours! Those who have dopamine-led brain circuits are more inclined to like adventures, risk, be more creative, enjoy a variety of tasks and talk about fantasy worlds. While those kids who have serotonin-led brain circuits would prefer consistency, stability, safety and comfort of quiet time as well as following routines. Some kids have strong testosterone-led predispositions if they show signs of leadership, dominance, critique and focus. Others could have an estrogen-led cocktail of hormones where they like harmony, they are more in touch with their emotions and appreciate the feelings of others.

Knowing our preference and those of our children would make communication much more effective and fruitful.

7.  Listen beyond words. Parents who master the art of listening, connect with their children better.

This is one of the most crucial make-it or break-it strategies for being a remarkable parent. A problem is rarely the real problem. Listening for what’s behind and beyond what is said, creates an incredible bond and the feeling of being loved and cared for. Children in such families feel safe, cherished, supported, understood and free. Mastering the art of listening, should be top of the list for every parent.