Growing together lovingly, feeling positive and grateful for all the challenges sounds like a dream state of a long-term relationship. The reality of our family life is not always the same.
Did you notice that our intimate partner has a special trigger to get the best and the worst out of us? That is because an intimate relationship is one of the hardest parts of our life and can be the most rewarding if we make it right.
The beginning of most relationships is beautiful, passionate and romantic. After the romance stage is over and especially after having kids, the partnership gets tested under special stress and that’s when emotions take over at times. Relationships can shift from ‘I love you the way you are’to ‘why are you not as I would like you to be?’
Studies show that at the beginning of a romantic relationship, we have special chemicals helping us to be “in love” but with time, once hormones normalize, romance becomes something that requires effort. This doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t working or that you just won’t love your partner anymore. Instead, it means that your relationship is moving into a new phase and that making it work will require adapting to the new normal.
Below are five science-backed ways to create that “honeymoon phase” feeling again.
How to bring love & passion back in relationships?
Working with thousands of couples across the world, I have noticed the same behavioural patterns that move them away from each other or bring love & passion back into the relationship.
Here are my top 5 ways to change the chemistry of the relationship:
1. Move your body.
Stretch. Smile. Jump. Open your arms. Hug each other. To change emotions, we need to change the way we feel in our body. The way we feel in our body is connected to how our body is positioned (Brennan, 2012).
For example, when we smile and look up to the skies we tend to feel more joy. When we hug heart to heart we tend to feel more trust. Why? Because while hugging there is a hormone called oxytocin that gets produced so we feel better. We call it a ‘trust’ hormone. When we bow, we don’t seem to feel resentment. Why? Because we associate this position with feeling more humble and our biochemistry tends to follow the way we think. (Fredrickson, 2009) Try it out and see how changing your body changes the state of your emotions.
2. Change Focus of Attention.
Start noticing what’s good about your partner instead of what’s wrong. Where we focus our attention, that area expands. Our brain changes depending on how we think. (Read more about it here) Once we remember something nice in the past, experience it in the present or imagine something pleasant happening in the future, we feel better immediately. Moreover, if we start the day with positive thoughts, we will naturally keep focusing on the positive and feel better. (Lyubomirsky, 2010)
TIP: one simple exercise is to start your day with three positive moments with your partner. Say something you feel grateful for. Every day.
Notice throughout the day what you say. The words we use influence the way we feel. Even when we exaggerate and use metaphors, they affect us. For women, this is especially true as women tend to connect with each other by sharing negative and can treat positive sharing as ‘bragging’. Keeping the ratio of positive to negative to 5:1 will enhance the level of energy you have throughout your day. You will see that by the evening hours, you will still have the energy to enjoy each other.
3. Start with your feelings.
Share feelings not thoughts. We tend to feel what we tell our mind to feel (Seligman, 2011). Our mind is the perfect helper but it doesn’t understand how relationships work. The mind tries to protect us, it helps us to survive but it doesn’t know how to feel passion, nor how to feel love. The heart does. That’s why expressing feelings, not thoughts are so important. Start with ‘I feel …’ rather than ‘why don’t you’ or ‘I think you should…’ . Say how you want to feel, how you like feeling, what helps you feel better. There is a different level of conversation when our heart is open and connected. Feeling-talk helps us to open up.
4. Change the meaning.
We can change relationships by changing the meaning of what kind of relationships we should have (Seligman, 2010). Think of it as a genre of a film. Is your relationship a romantic comedy, a drama, a thriller, classic or a documentary? What kind of a narrative would you like to have in your relationships? What role would you like to play instead? Look at your current or past relationship as a story of a book and write a new one. We are all authors of our life stories and it’s never too late to re-write them.
Example: Kathryn complains about her arguments and ‘fights’ with Tom when they spend time with each other during weekends resulting in resentment and emotionally withdrawing from each other. When she was asked to describe their relationship as a film, she chose it to be described as a drama. Although they didn’t like the negative part, they both liked the part that it was at times passionate and sexy. Ultimately, they wanted also to experience a ‘romantic comedy’ in their relationships. By raising their awareness and bringing more laughter into their discussions, they smoothly moved away from a ‘drama’ style of relationships to a ‘romantic comedy’ one. Now, when they start bickering, one brings a joke in which tends to dissipates the tension.
5. Create Polarity
There are laws to relationship magic. Passion lives in-between masculine and feminine. To bring love and passion back in the bedroom, it is important to have one person who is masculine and behaves as such, and one feminine. Two masculine energies in an intimate relationship compete and eventually lead to separation. Two feminine energies lack direction and end up getting frustrated and bored with each other. The polarity of masculine and feminine is an essential component of passion. Feminine women in their core, who behave in a controlling or demanding way, will find it difficult to create intimacy with a masculine man.
I find this is also the reason why we have so many single successful women. If only they lived in their core feminine energy, they would attract the right type of partner.
Ask yourself, is your true Essence feminine or masculine? Do you like to be taken or to take? Do you enjoy sharing and supporting or you enjoy achieving and competing? Do you prefer connection and equality or you prefer hierarchy and domination?
If you are curious to know more tips and tricks on how to bring more passion and love in relationships, here is a FREE training I have created based on my book (Enrich Your Relationships: 10 Secrets to Rekindle Your Intimate Life), where you will learn a 6-step process to rekindle passion.
References
Brennan, R. (2012). Change your posture change your life, London: Watkins Publishing.
Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity: Groundbreaking research to release your inner optimist and thrive. Oneworld Publications.
Lyubomirsky, S. (2010). The how of happiness: A practical guide to getting the life you want. Piatkus
Seligman, M. (2011). Flourish: Positive psychology and positive interventions. Nickolas Brealey Publishing.