Jealousy is a peculiar thing.
According to the Oxford dictionary, jealousy is a feeling or showing a resentful suspicion that one’s partner is attracted to or involved with someone else.
Certainly, each of us has experienced an uncomfortable jealous twinge in a relationship. We feel jealous because we feel a sense of danger in losing our partner to someone else. With that, a cherished connection that we’ve invested into, a potential loss of the parts that we identified with our partner. Our life projects may be at risk such as children, properties, assets, etc. But most importantly, we may experience an uncomfortable sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem that generally accompanies jealousy.
BIOLOGY OF JEALOUSY
On one hand, jealousy stems from loving the partner and wanting to be with them, desiring to do good and giving them what we think would be the best – ourselves (smile). On the other hand, jealousy makes the connection self-centred and is led by inner desire to own the other person and restrain them from leaving us.
Biologically speaking, we are hardwired to feel jealous. In the central part of our brain, we have our primary ‘reward and punishment’ system. We ‘project’ the punishment to eliminate the loss of something that we value.
Generally speaking, jealousy is a positive sign of deep connection and a good dose of it is not too bad at all. Treat it as a sign that you value your partner and the relationship with them.
What we don’t want is chronic jealousy or extreme version of it when emotions are out of control and the very relationship that we want to preserve, we threaten to end because of the ‘green-eyed monster’ inside us.
A wonderful young American couple (for confidentiality purposes I named them Kerry and Sam) suffered from jealousy. It wasn’t something Kerry brought up at the beginning of our sessions though. It was a hidden layer that she started opening up later.
Kerry thought of jealousy as a weakness, it got her attention albeit its power over the dynamic in the couple’s life.
Kerry and Sam say they love each other but don’t want their partner to love others especially being emotionally or physically intimate with them.
The truth is that Kerry has been having an affair. Sam has experienced the pain of jealousy and doesn’t know what to do about it.
The feeling of being unchosen, rejected, forgotten, misplaced, abandoned, belittled…
What is a recipe for escaping it?
WHAT TO DO WITH JEALOUSY
There are many effective jealousy-prevention and jealousy-treatment tools we can use to equip us during the ‘green storm’.
Jealousy-Prevention tools (strategic and long-term)
Here are my top 3 bio-hacks that I personally use and recommend to my clients in our 1:1 work.
1. Work on your self-esteem and self-worth. As an individual practice, remind yourself every day how wonderful, powerful, beautiful, special, delicate, peaceful and loving you are. You can make an ‘Esteem-list’ as your daily practice, to boost your inner confidence and self-reliance. Make sure the items are all relating to you and not general items that you feel grateful for in life.
2. Carve time to spend with each other to fill your intimacy buckets. The more intimate and sensual experiences you share with each other, including secrets and fantasies, the deeper your connection will be and the fuller your positive bucket will fill. This will prevent you from feeling jealous in the first place.
3. You can also find friends and resources who can help you prevent jealousy.
Jealousy-Treatment Tools (tactical and effective)1. Breathe deeply. Relax your jaws. Rotate your feet, relax your hands. Immediate state-change is what you need to treat any form of jealousy or envy. Refer to this EnrichTV episode for my 5 favourite tricks to release stress.
2. Remember a wise approach of monks & nuns. If you want to grow spiritually and eliminate suffering, find a person who suffers the same thing as you and helps them benevolently for a few weeks and importantly feel good about it. In the case of jealousy, find another person who feels jealous and helps them recover from it. This, in turn, will be your emotional medicine.
3. Focus on what your partner is longing for and missing currently. How can you help them? Focusing your attention on the other person can help you treat the signs of jealousy. Remember we all have positive intentions. We just don’t always remember how to express our needs and desires to our partners for them to be satisfied. Cheating or flirting occurs when certain needs are unmet. Here is an article that I wrote about 3 reasons why a committed lover cheats. Look deeper to find the roots of the problem, don’t cut the whole tree down.
All in all, it’s a journey. We learn by practising. Even if we fail once or twice, we can still pick it up and learn how to overcome jealousy the next time we feel it. The beauty of this is we become a stronger, more self-reliant and resilient person on a path of spiritual and emotional awakening. We learn how to share our feelings and how to choose if we want to feel jealous and protect ourselves or love more and let our beloved feel free to consciously choose us on a daily basis.
When we harbour into safety and routine doing the same things in a relationship for years (especially in a romantic department), we may end up in a stalemate. Unable to move further or expand, we can experience a longing for variety and growth. Bringing more resources and play, embracing what scares us brings a possibility of growth, satisfaction and love at the end of the tunnel.
With love & gratitude
Darya